The One you can cling to

“I’ve had questions without answers

I’ve known sorrow, I have known pain

But there’s one thing that I cling to

You are faithful, Jesus, You’re true”

“When the tears fall’ by Tim Hughes

I first heard these lyrics when I was in university and we sang them at church. I bought the “When Silence Falls’ CD and listened to the song when I was going through difficult times. But, over the last year, they have really resonated with me. I have been through many trials in my life but these last few months have challenged me more than most of those trials combined. Many of our friends and family have had us in their prayers for months and I felt that it was time that I write something about how God has worked through our hectic experience.

2011

It was the beginning of July and Willem and I were settling into our new flat and celebrating the fact that we were officially home owners. It was the school holidays so I was enjoying the break from marking and lesson planning. Willem was also on leave but seemed a bit anxious about something. One day he told me that he had made an appointment to see an urologist because he was concerned about a growth he had found.

A few days later we headed out to the urologist’s rooms and I wasn’t too concerned. Willem looked calm so I didn’t feel that I needed to be worried. I could even appreciate the humour of being in an urologist’s waiting room (the expression on people’s faces is hilarious when as soon as they walk in they are asked for a urine sample!) We went in to see the urologist and he was very friendly. He took Willem into another room to do an examination while I went through my mental ‘to do’ list for the next two weeks. A few minutes later, they emerged from the room. I could see by the urologist’s facial expression that he was not going to give us good news. “I don’t like the look of that growth,” he told us gravely “You’re going to have to have it removed. I’ll phone the hospital now to see if we can get you admitted.” I was completely shocked. “Could it be serious, doctor?” Willem asked. “There’s always a risk that it could be testicular cancer,” he replied “but let’s do some tests first and see what we’re dealing with.”

Cancer – the word had only negative connotations in my mind. It was the disease that had claimed my grandfather, the disease that had taken a part of my aunt’s body. I could only associate it with death and loss. The area that it was in was also of concern to me. Willem and I were planning on starting a family soon and I wasn’t sure how this would affect that. I started to cry and immediately slipped into some sort of daze. I followed Willem to different parts of Parklands hospital for blood tests and made an emotional phone call to my mother. Willem remained brave and was the one consoling me! Before we knew it, he had been admitted and an anaesthesiologist was there to discuss his operation. The next shock was that Willem would need to spend the night in hospital. This may not seem like a big deal but for us it was huge. We hadn’t spent a night apart since we got married in 2009. This somehow made the situation seem even more serious. I tried to pray some eloquent prayer but all that came out was “God, please help.”

The operation went well and it wasn’t long before we saw Willem. He recovered quickly and was making jokes despite the severity of the situation. The surgeon had had to remove his entire testicle as the growth had been large and it had to be sent away to the labs for analysis. Willem’s mom and I had to take turns visiting Willem because patients were only allowed to have one visitor at a time. One of us would wait out in the waiting area while the other one would visit Willem.

The urology department was right next to the maternity section and they both shared a waiting room. I remember sitting in the waiting room thinking how strange it was that all around me people were celebrating new life while I feared for my husband’s. I also wondered if we’d ever be the ones rejoicing over bringing new life into the world. I remained hopeful and trusted that God would make that happen.

It’s strange how different people react to difficult situations. Some of our family members freaked out and assumed the worst. Although I was feeling anxious and scared, I wouldn’t allow those emotions to drag me into depression. We didn’t know the results yet, we weren’t sure what we were dealing with, and I didn’t want to assume the worst. I trusted that God had a plan in all the craziness.

Willem was released the next day. He was weak from the operation and needed some helping around but was otherwise alright. I was relieved to have him home but still felt anxious about the results. Waiting for results is really horrible – it feels like time stands still and you’re not sure how to react because you’re not sure what you’re dealing with.

After what seemed like days, Willem got a phone call to advise him that the growth was cancerous. That was the first time that I saw Willem look worried. The urologist recommended an oncologist and told Willem to see him as soon as possible. He told Willem not to worry and advised him that the type of cancer he had (seminoma) was very treatable. I wasn’t really comforted by that – to me, cancer was cancer and I was petrified. I prayed for strength for both of us and asked God to heal my husband.

The next few days flew by. We visited the oncologist who was very confident, and tests confirmed that the cancer hadn’t spread. He wanted Willem to go for radiation treatment though because seminoma tends to spread towards the stomach and as a precautionary measure he wanted to radiate that area. I felt nauseas just thinking about it. I had always thought that radiation treatment was intense and dangerous (I blame ‘House’) but we were assured it really wasn’t so bad. The oncologist also told us that the seminoma and consequent radiation wouldn’t affect Willem’s fertility. This came as a huge relief to both of us.

The actual radiation process wasn’t so bad. They took scans of Willem’s body to identify the exact places they needed to radiate and he went for treatment for two weeks (each session took less than 30 minutes.) Willem had those two weeks off work which gave him a great opportunity to rest. I went with him when I could but had to return to work at the end of the school holidays. Considering all that was going on, I am amazed at how I was able to return to school without being emotional. It is only God that could have given me the strength to enthusiastically teach my classes about Hitler, the Industrial Revolution and ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’, while I knew my husband was having lasers burn into his stomach.

Friends of mine asked me how I coped through this whole process and at times it really felt like I didn’t. I was relying on God’s strength because I really didn’t have any. I may have had moments where I blamed God but I knew in my heart that God didn’t give Willem cancer. It wasn’t consistent with His character. I had moments where I got emotional but I would turn to God and I’d experience His peace.

Just as Willem was finishing his radiation treatment, I got a horrible case of gastroenteritis (the history teacher in me was excited to discover that that is the modern name for typhoid which many people died from during the Industrial Revolution – really random thought, but my grade 8 classes thought it was awesome that I survived it :) I was feeling really sick and was forced to stay off work for a while. At home with nothing else to do, the events of the last few weeks hit me. One day I was feeling particularly awful and asked God, “Father, why is life so painful?” He responded with “There’s no pain in heaven.”  It was so comforting as it put my focus back on praising Him – for His grace and gift of eternal life. It also reminded me of Colossians 3:2 which tells us to set our minds on things above, not on earthly things.

When Willem finished his treatment he was told that he would need to come back in three months for a check-up. At that point he was cancer free and we were so relieved. I was grateful that they had managed to remove all the cancer, that Willem hadn’t needed to go for chemotherapy and that God had used the opportunity to help me grow in faith.

2012

Willem’s blood tests were clear when he went for his first check-up three months later. He was told though that he would need to go back for another follow up in another three months. When he went for this follow up, the oncologist decided to do a PET scan to make sure that there definitely weren’t any more cancer cells lurking anywhere. It was a mission to organise as our medical aid didn’t think it was necessary, but they eventually relented. A few hours after the scan, Willem phoned me at work to say that they had found something on the scan. It was some kind of growth near his liver. His blood tests had been clear but they were concerned about what it was. They wanted him to go for surgery and have it removed so that they could send it away for tests.

It’s amazing how the old emotions returned after it had taken me so long to eradicate them before. The tears appeared almost immediately. Anxiety increased (as if it had never waned) and fear gripped my heart. But it was only temporary. Something felt different – I had the knowledge of past victory, the assurance that if God had gotten us through it before, He could and would do it again.

The morning of the operation, Willem’s mom and I took him to the hospital and were feeling pretty confident. That was, until the anaesthesiologist arrived. He told us about how dangerous the operation was because the growth was close to one of the main arteries in Willem’s body. It was a complete shock because we’d been led to believe that the operation was going to be harmless. Willem’s mom and I tearfully watched him go into surgery. As we walked down to the cafeteria to wait for him to come out of surgery, I heard God say, “I will give you strength.” I felt comforted as I prepared for the long wait.

Two hours later, Willem was out and although he had many giant surgical plasters all over his stomach and several tubes in his arms, he was alive and I was so grateful. He stayed in hospital two nights. The first night, my mom stayed with me so that I wouldn’t be alone. The second night I decided to stay at home alone. I had only been able to see Willem for two hours that day because of work and visiting hours, and as soon as I got home I was feeling rather lonely. I put on my mp3 player and set it to play any song. The first song that came on was one I had never heard before that was on a Kutless CD I was given for Christmas. It was called ‘Promise of a Lifetime’ and it was exactly what I needed to hear. It speaks about how God is always with us and it really comforted me in that moment.

Willem was discharged the next day, and we still hadn’t heard the results from the lab. I felt at peace though. He was feeling well enough to go on our church’s leaders camp and it was an amazing time. Our church family had been praying for us and we could really feel their support. God even confirmed his word about strengthening me through Hayley, one of our ‘Freedom in Christ’ leaders.

The next week we were told that the growth was not cancerous. We celebrated by sharing the news with our friends and family. We had been victorious again! I was so grateful for and amazed at how God encouraged us through it all.

I don’t know why bad things happen but I know God and I know that He uses everything for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28.) I don’t believe that God gave Willem cancer but I do believe that He used it for His glory by the maturing of our faith. He is faithful and will never leave or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5) and will be our comfort in difficult times. We can cast all our anxiety on Him because He cares for us (1 Peter 5:7.) He is the one that we should cling to in difficult times. He is indeed faithful and true.

To you, our friends and family

Throughout this whole ordeal, you have been so encouraging and we thank you for your prayers and support. Thank you for the phone calls and smses, and for your genuine concern. Through this process God has also taught us of the importance of community and we thank you for being that community.

I hope that If you were able to read through all of this (I’m sorry that it’s so ridiculously long) that you would be encouraged by our journey and that it would remind you of the one that you can cling to in difficult times – Jesus Christ. Willem and I would never have been able to get through it all as we have, if it weren’t for our relationship with Him. We give Him all the glory.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

John 3:16